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HORN & WHISTLE MAGAZINE'S

PUN PAGE

You deserve a good laugh, and after you get through groaning, you will indeed laugh at these puns. And see what happens when you move the mouse around!

1. I keep away from funerals because I have never been a mourning person.

2. There's a sign on the grounds of the rehab center. It says, "keep off the grass.".

3. Perhaps you heard of the crow with laryngitis? Lost caws.

4. What happens to old millwrights when they die? Rigger Mortis.

5. Did you hear about the girl who wondered why the tennis ball was getting bigger and bigger? Then it hit her.

6. Statistics show that babies produced by artificial insemination are often small and sickly. Clearly a case of "Spare the rod and spoil the child."

7. A guy was driving along the highway, busy gabbing on his cell phone and as he approached a toll plaza, he was so distracted that he crashed into one of the toll booths (fortunately unoccupied) and smashed it to pieces. He pulled over and waited. Presently a work crew drove up. Several men got out of the truck and started to pick up the broken pieces of the toll booth. One of the men then opened a large container and started brushing some kind of white substance on the broken toll booth pieces as the others began to put the booth back together. After fifteen minutes, the job was done. The toll booth looked as good as new.
     "That's amazing!" the man who had crashed into the toll booth exclaimed. "You can't see that it was ever damaged. Tell, me, my friend," he said to the chief of the repair crew, "what is that white stuff that you guys were using on the broken pieces?"
     "Why, that is toll gate booth paste!"

8. Did you know that the great songwriter, Cole Porter, once had a pet tick? He imortalized it in melody by writing the well-known, "I've got You Under My Skin."

9. The great Indian spritual leader, Ghandi, used to meditate a lot. He also fasted. Therefore, he was a rather slight and not overly strong man. He also walked barefoot most of the time so he had very thick calluses on his feet. Because going long periods of time without eating can cause very bad breath, Ghandi frequently suffered from that problem also. Therefore, based upon the above information, what do we know about Ghandi?
He was a (get ready for this pun....) a super-callused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. I work in a power station. When I get old, I won't die: I'll degenerate.

11. What did the great composer, J.S. Bach do after he died? Decomposed.

12. Three brothers went to college. One studied medicine and became a psychiatrist. The middle brother studied medicine and became a proctologist, and the third went to business school and decided to set up an antiques business. Since the brothers were close, they looked for a place where they could all have their respective businesses together. Finally they found a two-story commercial building with two office suites on the second floor, and the entire first floor was set up for a retail business. The brothers bought the building and moved in. The psychiatrist took one of the upstairs suites, the proctologist took the other, and the antiques dealer took the first floor retail space. Then they thought it would be good to come up with a name for their business. They thought and thought. Finally they went to see Eric at Horn & Whistle Magazine. "What can we put up on our sign so that we can advertise our three different businesses and still have it present one unified theme?" they asked. After a couple of minutes, Eric said, "Call your place ODDS and ENDS."

    EGADS! Do puns get much worse than that one? Yes, they do. Read the next one

13. The heating elements on an electric stove have resistance, so that when the current flows through, they get hot. Can this be called "Ohm on the Range?"

14. Once there was a lousy train conductor who was not only terrible at his job, but had a bad temper as well. He often forgot the names of the different train stations and also would sometimes try to collect tickets twice from the same passengers. After arguing with one passenger who refused to pay twice, the conductor murdered him. Shortly the police were called, arrested the conductor and eventually he was arraigned and sentenced to death himself in the electric chair. But when the prison officials threw the switch, the conductor did not die. They puzzled over this for a while until one of the prison officials, who himself had been a passenger on the conductor’s train remembered, “This guy was always a poor conductor.”

15.We recently heard that taller folks sleep longer in bed than us shorties.

16. At certain times of the day, the Brooklyn Bridge traffic is so dense that it is almost impossible to drive across. At those times, we are looking at a car strangled spanner.

17. And you are certainly aware of the guy who went to a second-hand store to get one for his watch.

18. My Ancestry is half Finnish. This means I'm not done yet.

19. Little Johnny had to use the restroom in a hurry. He asked the teacher's permission, and in his urgency he used slang, saying, "Ma'am, I have to pee."
     The teacher scolded him for using that word and then said, "Now, young man, recite the alphabet as punishment and then you may go."
     Little Johnny began, "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z."      "Hey," said his teacher, "What happened to P?"
     "It's running down the side of your desk."

20. There are many Catholic churches in Las Vegas. Often, worshippers at Sunday services donate casino chips instead of cash when the offertory basket is passed around. Since the churches receive chips from a multitude of casinos, they developed a special system to collect the offerings. The churches bring all the chips they get to a nearby monastery for sorting out. Then the chips are brought back to the right casinos to be cashed in. Naturally, this is done by chip monks.

21. A certain criminal in France decided to steal some valuable paintings from the Louvre. He successfully removed a number of them, loaded them into a van, and then drove off. Butin his haste, he forgot his wallet and thus could not buy more gas for the van to complete his getaway. The police soon caught up with him after he ran out of gas and then Isoir angrily because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

22. A priest was recently hired by a family in a haunted house to perform an exorcism. When he finished, he asked for a donation, but they refused to give him any money, so their home was repossessed..

23. The late W.C. Fields was never noted for being religious, but on his deathbed, somebody saw him reading the Bible. "W.C.," the friend asked, "What are you doing?"
"Looking for loopholes," Fields replied.

24. And last but not least, this quick one-liner pun in the form of a simple question...Did your hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

EEK! Puns don't get much worse than that last one one! Or do they? Wait and see...

Thoughts for the day. Always remember that a barking dog gathers no moss.
A Penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny spent is a penny enjoyed.
I may not know much, but what I do know....is very little!

More to follow. If you know any good puns or funny sayings that you think our visitors to this site would like, E-mail the publisher.